Still Here

Still Here!

this post comes from my carepage, I edited it a little, got a little more personal and added some pics~

hello to friends and family,
I haven't posted in a while, mainly because there hasn't been that much to share. Since Thanksgiving, I have been getting stronger every day and have even had moments that feel normal. I have been teaching some of my regular fitness classes. I am not doing any weight training, but, I am happy to teach step and cycle.

coaching BootCamp
Love my bootcamp ladies!

I was visiting the Plastic Surgeon every week up until the week before Christmas. I would get a 'fill' each time. The doctor finds the port in the expander, injects it with a huge syringe and adds saline to the expanders. This is the most uncomfortable procedure, not during, because I don't feel a thing, but after. Muscle spasms, pain, tightness and shortness of breath are all side effects. The purpose is to expand the chest wall, stretch the skin and save a healthy pocket or space for the implants. I get very self conscious as my chest grows.

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Implant Reconstruction Procedure 

from http://www.mdanderson.org/patient-and-cancer-information/cancer-information/cancer-topics/cancer-treatment/breast-reconstruction/implants.html

Following mastectomy, your reconstructive surgeon will insert a tissue expander (a silicone balloon filled with saline) in a pocket formed under the muscle and remaining skin on your chest wall. More saline solution is gradually added to the tissue expander during outpatient clinic visits, stretching the muscle and skin to the desired size. Often the skin is stretched slightly more than needed because it has a natural tendency to shrink when the tissue expander is removed. 

The amount of saline needed for each expansion may vary depending on the tightness of the skin. This process usually takes 2-3 months, but may take longer if you need other cancer treatments, such as chemotherapy. 

Once the "pocket" has reached the desired size, the expander is left in place, stretching your skin for approximately 1-3 months more. Surgery is then scheduled to remove the tissue expander and replace it with a permanent implant, which is an outpatient surgical procedure. The permanent implant will either be filled with saline or silicone and will be much softer than the tissue expander. Your reconstructive surgeon can discuss the various types of available breast implants.

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There is still some scar tissue along the lower part which is why I had the last expansion to hopefully soften and stretch the tissue. About three weeks ago I started having severe chest pain, difficulty breathing and taking in a deep inhale. So, Dr. Fabulous took out 30 ccs on the left side to hopefully decrease the pressure. It hasn't really helped, and I am still feeling lots of pain. I have been told that the serratus and intercostal muscles were strained. It feels like I have a broken rib! I have been given a new muscle relaxer that doesn't make me sleepy and I take it to help with the pain.

tissue Expanders are hard and uncomfortable.
they must be one size fits all...because they poke me
all over!
source http://www.concannonplasticsurgery.com

I must say that this part of this whole ordeal has been the most difficult for me. I think that my family has all exhaled and feels really relieved that all the danger is gone, and I do too. I have always had the mentality that if I push harder, try harder, don't give up...I will get better, do better and survive stronger. But, with reconstruction, if I push too hard, I hurt myself and that has been frustrating. I am learning (not very willingly) patience. It is very difficult to sleep and I wake up a lot having huge spasms across the front. There's still a lot of numbness, especially down my right arm where the lymph nodes were removed. I also have had moments of being really sad, I miss the girl I was...maybe it is because these tissue expanders are so dang HARD that I feel hard and I miss feeling soft. (tmi?) I think that there is a total of 480 ccs on each side!! wow!

Next Thursday, February 2 we are scheduled for the exchange operation. This is when the doctor takes out the expanders and replaces them with permanent implants. This is an outpatient operation and should only be a few hours long. We are the first operation of the day, 8 am! It will be at Patewood Hospital. I am very anxious about it...not very excited to be back at the beginning of healing again.I am so happy that my dear love and friend JD will be working in the hospital that day...somehow, knowing when I am out and asleep in anesthesia world that there is a love watching me, I feel settled.  I have done some reading and it seems that some women recover quickly and others have a slower process. I am thinking about 10 days. This week and next week are full of pre-op appointments. I am visiting the allergist again to try to determine which medicine caused that horrible reaction on Halloween.

Today I had a dentist appointment to get a crown and nearly had a panic attack...the drill and and being so vulnerable was way more than I was ready for and I left the office nearly hysterical. I sobbed all day and had visions of being attacked and violated and hurt.  Bless my Dentist!

can't wait for my next Mud Run!

Chan and the kids and I are looking forward to a fun spring and lots of new beginnings! We are training for a 1/2 marathon and the children are training for a 5k. (well, Marshall runs and Sophie runs half way and then cries...)

Things I love right now:
training for the 1/2 marathon
Sunday Long runs have made me feel ALIVE
teaching cycle again, not just suffering through, but, KICKING ASS!
not taking ANY meds, not even advil
My son who is so tender, he whispers that I am his favorite
( I am sure I'm not, but, I love that he tells me that in his quiet serious voice)
my steadfast friends who won't let me be pitiful too long, who make me laugh and who comfort me
my friend Emily who does whatever I need no matter what
my friend Jennifer who runs with me and holds my hand
my friend Joy who whispers that I am a RockStar
my friend Darla who will knock anyone down if they say or do anything not sweet or kind, and loves me in all the best ways
my friend Susan who loves me SO and I feel it at all times
( I felt like shouting out to my girls today, there are more, but these are the ones I see and get love from every day.)

Joy and I and the 'girls' 

cleavage--seriously people!...nobody ever looked at my chest before...

Things I am struggling with right now:
prickly itchy skin under the arm where the lymph nodes were removed.
muscle spasms and pain all night and I can't sleep
fear of the transfer surgery...can't stand the thought of being vulnerable and in pain again
pulled muscles in the side, serratus and intercostal still can't breathe deeply
no weight training...boo...
skinny arms...Dr. Fabulous says, focus on toning, what is THAT???
cleavage----seriously, what am i supposed to do with all that!! I need new shirts, sports bras and I was mortified this week when I taught a class and my sports bra showed waaay too much skin...which I didn't figure out until I started teaching and just had to keep going and suck it up.

BootyBootCamp, I am coaching, can't
wait to DO the workout too...

my happy list is bigger than my sad list, I will take that any day. 

much love and thank you all for your prayers,
Surgery Date is February 2~~ new soft boobies coming my way!!!  We prayed at supper tonight, S. led the prayer, "Dear God, please let Mommy's surgery go well and that she comes home with soft boobies and that they aren't too big." M. said, "S! what are you talking about, she's perfect!"
love that's all

jumping fire with Big Daddy!

The Process of Curing Cancer

...is exhausting. I can't believe how drained I feel every day. I call it my sinking spell, each afternoon, I get physically and mentally exhausted. I want to cry, I want to put on my jammies and crawl into bed and not speak to anyone. When you get a breast cancer diagnosis, you search every blog, medical website, book, and doctor's office pamphlet. You read, learn, write questions, and read some more. It took us about 15 minutes of research to find everything that we wanted to know.  Chan and I are black and white people.  We have questions, we want answers. Cancer isn't black and white, it's grey and elusive and doesn't give straight forward answers. We were told after this first diagnosis that my lymph nodes were clear and that the biopsy showed no cancer. We were elated.  Yet, our doctors keep talking about the lymph nodes.  They don't 'look' right, they are lumpy and bumpy. Whatever that means. I hate lumpy and bumpy. Especially on my thighs, I never thought I would hate it on my lymph nodes! I went Monday to give a blood sample for the geneticist. They want to see if I carry the gene mutation.

Chan takes notes at each meeting, he
writes down everything the doctors say and
asks all the questions.

In 1994, the first gene associated with breast cancer — BRCA1 (for BReast CAncer1) was identified on chromosome 17. A year later, a second gene associated with breast cancer — BRCA2 — was discovered on chromosome 13. When individuals carry a mutated form of either BRCA1 or BRCA2, they have an increased risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer at some point in their lives. Children of parents with a BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation have a 50 percent chance of inheriting the gene mutation. 
from Breastcenter.com

When I gave the blood, it was in the chemo room, nice. They messed it up, I had to go back two days later and give more blood, which blew out my veins in my arm and I have a nice purple bruise growing down my arm. 

I have a feeling that this process of needle sticks, blood samples, and Xrays is just beginning.

needle stick number three...

I wake every morning and for the briefest moment, I have forgotten what is going on and I feel light. Then, the darkness sets in, the elephant gets back on my chest, I feel fear and dread. I don't carry that with me all day, I try to forget about it, but, sometimes it creeps in. I don't really cry that often, but, when I do, it shakes my whole body and I sob and sob. I don't feel sorry for myself. I actually feel very strong. I just need to let it all out, and crying works. 

I am so tired of feeling tired.

I am so over thinking about this every day.

I am finished with cancer defining who I am. 

I hate when people cry when they see me. 

I am ready to move on.

 Break up with cancer. 

We have a break up date, Wednesday at 9 am...bye bye.

Breast cancer is not just a disease that strikes at women. It strikes at the very heart of who we are as women: how others perceive us, how we perceive ourselves, how we live, work and raise our families-or whether we do these things at all.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz 



So if there is a purpose to the suffering that is cancer, I think it must be this: it’s meant to improve us. ~ Lance Armstrong

Pink RockStar...And We Have Been Charmed

Well dang, I don't feel sick, in fact I feel fabulous, strong, vibrant and my biceps have been looking pretty good lately in the gym!

 I have breast cancer? Not possible, not ever.  If you were to pick the poster child for health and fitness, it might be me. I have darkened the doors of every gym in the tri state area...for the last 20 years.  I think I have taught every person in SC how to do a step class, and I can out cycle anyone in the spin room. I am kindoff a freak about my fitness, nobody is freakier...at least nobody I know.  I have two precious children, Marshall is 9 and Sophie is 7. 

my boys

Don't forget Big Daddy, my Knight in Shining Armor. He promised me he was born lucky. "I'd rather be lucky than good." he always tells me. "Stick with me mama, we are going to live a charmed life." 
And we have been charmed.  

my birthday party last year, a little crazy
I can't believe that dooky was growing
in my booby.

We were married when I was 34 after I thought I would never ever find the perfect man. He was 32 and we were ready for a family. Our wedding was the best day of my life. It was July 14, 2002. Two months later we were attacked by terrorists in New York and he was in the city. He stood and watched the second tower fall. One month later we were expecting our precious baby boy. On our first anniversary we cradled a 7 day old baby. 
And we have been charmed....
We have frolicked, we have vacationed in Mexico, we lounged on the beach, we bought a new house, we made friends.  Our second child was born two years later. Sophie is the daughter I have dreamed of my whole life. 
And we have been charmed....
We have grown our children, holding hands, singing songs and loving life.


And we have been charmed.

biopsy bruises, actually pretty nice looking in
this pic, didn't want to share too much booby! Ignore
my chewed up nails...stress....

And then it was September 23, 2011 and I got the call from the sweetest nurse on the planet. "Precious, I have the biopsy report. So, the biopsy shows you have Ductal Carcinoma Insi tu." What is that, what on earth,  I have never heard of it, but, carcinoma sounds bad, my head was spinning, I looked at Chan, I fell to my knees, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, I couldn't look at him. We hung up with the nurse after writing down everything that she said. We hugged, cried, felt weak. Looked at each other, held hands and decided to call our parents. I told Chan, call your daddy first, practice on him before you call my mom. So, we picked up the phone, called my father in law.  Chan couldn't speak, words would not come out, he choked. My father in law was scared, "what's wrong, Chan? Are you ok? Chan?" Finally Chan managed the words, , "It is positive, she has cancer." My father in law was quiet, "We can handle this", he said. "We will do whatever you need." I was encouraged, lifted. We called my mom, she was brave, but she couldn't fool me, she was scared, so was I. 


So, we spent the next four days hitting google, every search teaching me more and giving me more questions. I know this:


Ductal Carcinoma In Situ:
1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.


Ductal carcinoma starts in the tubes (ducts) that move milk from the breast to the nipple. Most breast cancers are of this type.

I snuck this pic when the doc was out of the room!! I am so nosy!
The black circle in the bottom right corner is the mass, it is
so tiny, 8mm. 

Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is the most common type of non-invasive breast cancer. Ductal means that the cancer starts inside the milk ducts, carcinoma refers to any cancer that begins in the skin or other tissues (including breast tissue) that cover or line the internal organs, and in situ means "in its original place." DCIS is called "non-invasive" because it hasn’t spread beyond the milk duct into any normal surrounding breast tissue. DCIS isn’t life-threatening, but having DCIS can increase the risk of developing an invasive breast cancer later on.

When you have had DCIS, you are at higher risk for the cancer coming back or for developing a new breast cancer than a person who has never had breast cancer before. Most recurrences happen within the 5 to 10 years after initial diagnosis. The chances of a recurrence are under 30%. 

(from Breastcancer.org)

Because of increased screening with mammograms, the rate at which DCIS is diagnosed has increased dramatically in recent years.

While DCIS isn't life-threatening, it does require treatment to prevent the condition from becoming invasive. Most women with DCIS are effectively treated with breast-conserving surgery and radiation. from Mayoclinic.com

So armed with these facts, we were ready scared, but, ready. 
I will share what's going on with my journey here, I was going to write a separate blog, but, this is all me, the workouts, the motivation, the recipes for my favorite salad, the breast cancer.
 I hope that this will help someone in their journey. Please share with whoever you think will like/need/read/appreciate this ramble. 
I am sure that some will gasp, she's writing about her cancer? Really? Isn't this supposed to be private? But if you know me, I can't keep a secret, I am transparent, I share everything, good, bad and cancer. 
I keep saying, "I am a rock star, watch me rock this!" But, I am scared and small. I need to be brave, hate to be pitied and can't stand to shrink away. So, stand beside me as I journey through my next life journey. Send me your thoughts, send me your love, WE got this~ 

my 'sister' Ranie, she is my Delaware RockStar.