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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Pink RockStar...present and dealing

‎"There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself." -Anthon
y Rapp

My 9 year old drew this, I am Lisl the Cancer fighter....shooting bullets
at 'Evil Cancer'. He drew this when we were out to dinner one night
about a week before the Mastectomy.

My little girl who is 7 drew this. I am the angel floating up in the sky.

Someone said to me yesterday at the gym, "wow. you are back! you look so wonderful!"
I thought, to myself, "I am not back, I am just present."
I still feel really numb and a little shell shocked at what has happened. I am very emotional, sad, horrified even sometimes.
I had my weekly visit on Tuesday with Dr. Keller, my doctor in charge of reconstruction. He isn't happy with the way two of the surgery wounds are healing. So, on Friday I have to go in for an outpatient procedure where he will try to make those places heal better and hopefully look better. The skin is super thin and it has been stretched. It's not really cooperating, so, I am happy he is dong something about it. My heart skips every time I look down. The expanders are lumpy, misshapen, and hard. They are not very comfortable, and when people hug me, I know they feel hard. I am very self conscious about the way it looks and I get embarrassed when people say, "wow, look at your big old boobies". I really liked the ones I used to have, so, this isn't like an in improvement.

I have tried to go to the gym and workout. I can do the elliptical and I can ride the spin bike. I sweat alot, which is good and feels like I am working hard. Most importantly, I see the faces that are familiar to me and I speak to my friends and that is the best therapy of all. 

My HUGE array of medicine is down to nothing, thank goodness, no more pain meds for now, no more prednisone, no more antibiotics. They are all replaced with gauze, saline, triple antibiotic, bandages and big square bandaids. I have to change the dressings twice a day.
My little girls is funny, she likes to help. Every night she follows me upstairs, watches what I do, cuts the gauze to fit and gently puts on the bandaids. I see her being very motherly and it warms me and breaks my heart at the same time. Yesterday afternoon, I was especially tired and had an awful headache (most likely from coming off the prednisone) and she said in a very motherly tone, "Mommy, when I finish my homework, lets go upstairs and get in the big bed. I will hold you, we can cuddle, I will read you a story and I will stroke your cheek." It sounded just like something I would say to her.
Tomorrow I have a follow up with the Surgical Oncologist. I know they will be doing labwork.
Thank you all for the wonderful notes I still get, thank you my friend Julie for bringing me the yummiest salad yesterday, thank you to mom who is coming Friday to take care of me and thank you to all of you who continue to show up, even though it's inconvenient or you are busy or you really need to be cooking and cleaning and carrying on with your own stuff...this has meant the world to Big Daddy and I.
still have the 'deer in the
headlights' look....
oh, and to my sister in law, I broke down and fed the kids a dang Chicken Casserole from the freezer.

This is about 2 weeks post surgery, tubes still in, and bandages covering the
Having an allergic reaction to some meds...
most likely the antibiotic. Spent three
days in the hospital.
It amuses me to play with the
implants in the Drs office!

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